teyla | Family Woes

Current Mood: angry
Current Location: home

Entry tags:

rant,
real life

Family Woes

Actually, I wanted to make a post about how much I love my favorite show at the moment. I might still do that later on. Right now, my family swept in and killed the mood with ever-present skill.

I love my family. I really do. They're great people, and I get along with them most of the time.

They won't just let me do my thing, though.

I know that I'm not exactly a person with a completely normal lifestyle. I usually sleep during the day, not in the night. I like it better that way. I'm not a very sociable person, meaning I don't seek out the company of others all that much. My life is kinda chaotic. I like it that way, though. My family doesn't. Am I trying to force them to live like I do? No. They're obviously trying to launch another attempt at making me live like they do, though. My parents summoned me for a "conversation" this week-end. I know exactly how this is gonna go: we're all going to sit in the living room, my mom will have made coffee in order to make us all feel like we're just having a casual conversation like any family might on a Saturday afternoon, and then they're going to tell me that I need to change my lifestyle. I will nod and say yes until they finally decide to shut up, and then I will not stay there for the night but drive home because I'm quietly seething with anger, and I will resent them for a couple of weeks, and then everything will start anew.

Why the fuck can't they just leave me alone? I liked it a lot better when I was living 400km away and they didn't see or hear anything that was going on in my life aside from what I decided to let them know. And people wonder why I want to emigrate.

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And people wonder why I want to emigrate.
*hug* I know it's a bit of a distance from Munich ;), but there's always a spare bed and a wireless connection at mine if you want to get away for a bit (as long as it's during the summer ;)

I know I've only met the 'hostess' version of your mom, but is there no way you can try and reason with her that what you're doing works for you??

I just called her and tried that, and it ended in me telling her that the honest truth is that the best thing would be if I lived far, far away, and then the few times we would see each other, we'd be to happy to be able to meet up to start to nag about each other's lifestyle. Which is, in fact, what I think would be for the best. I also told her that I really don't want to spend my Saturday afternoon listening to my family telling me what a shit person I am. She didn't get what I was aiming at at all, and was all like hey-we-just-wanna-talk-to-you. Yeah, sure. I've heard that before.

:) Thanks for the hug. Can I borrow Wilson for a while? I need a Teddy to cuddle ;).

First: I hugh you.
Second: I send Wilson to Hugh you the whole day/night/day *sigh*
And I know, it dosen´t comforts you but parents are all the same if they love their children. Yeah, your Mom loves you but I think she can´t get it, that you grow up now and you are able to decide what you want and what you need and if that´s not what you relly need you have to take that experience but your Mom can´t let you do that because she cares about you like you would be her little t_eyla. And believe me you are always beeing little t_eyla in her mind. My Mom tryed that also and really it needs very, very, strong and hard words to show her that she couldn´t change me. And sometimes she needs the hard way again. Really she is my Mom and I love her but she thinks always that she could do all the things better than I and either I say nothing or I say things like: "so, good you are not me" or "I don´t think that you are ever been there or done that! Why do you think you could it better handle?" Sometimes it´s only a: "Good for you" or "If you want to have this opinion, I don´t care about it" And than I´m going. See, it dosen´t ends not matter how old you are. And funny is the other side. If you let somebody think and do what they want just these person say to you: "I´m not important for you. If I would be important for you, ore you would take care about me you don´t would let me do that!" or "helped me with that" ore something like this. That´s weird and it´s the reason that I always say: "Humans are weird and I think they are getting more weird wich every year I get older. I also like it to be alone and I liked it earlier as such as now. But like Mr. Jagger said before: You can´t always get what you want! I try to take my time for me and my things. It´s not always possible but sometimes I´m succesful. Don´t give up. Maybe you could go after an hour to stay with your family or you can say them you haven´t time at this weekend and you will be there at another weekend or whenever you have the time or the wish to talk with them.
Hugh you again.

I send Wilson to Hugh you the whole day/night/day

Oh, bliss. I should be emo on my journal more often. ^^

Thank you for your kind words. It's kinda depressing to know that this won't change, but it's also good to know that I'm not the only ~~sane~~ person who thinks that people should just be able to decide what they want to do for themselves.

If you let somebody think and do what they want just these person say to you: "I´m not important for you. If I would be important for you, ore you would take care about me you don´t would let me do that!" or "helped me with that" ore something like this

I don't get that logic, either. I mean, state an opinion about what somebody else is doing is one thing. Giving people advise if they ask for it. But intervening when somebody is living their lives and seeming happy about how they go about it? Just because I think things should be done differently? Um... not what I'd call caring. Being annoying and terribly nosy and bossy is more like it.

I care about my friends. But I also believe in the freedom of personal choice. More than I do in changing people. Actually, I don't think you can change people. People can change, but only if they want and see the need to themselves.

*hugs back* Thanks again for commenting :). It did make me feel better.

Yep you are right. You can´t change people. Every peopole have to do their own experience. I really know, my comment dosen´t comfort you but it´s the true and maybe you could bet your mother, that she let you do your own experiences. It´s only your life and only you can live it. You grown up and you do your things. She has done the same as she was in your age. Not her mother lived her life. Maybe you have to say that. Maybe she must hearing the words. Who knows? Be kindly (if you can) while you talk to her. It´s often the best way that she can get the message.
But really it´s weird and it´s no logic in the part that you don´t give unwished advises to anybody and the person reproachs you that you don´t said what you thought. I can´t understand that and I´m saying what I´m thinking, if you ask me. Sometimes I give them a thought if I think that´s neccessary but I don´t want to change everyone and I don´t want to take choises for another persons. I help if they want that. But sometimes it dosen´t matter, what I do it´s in each way wrong. But I don´t understand people (you know, *smile* I have only one brain cell) because I´m not able to live up to the expectations or to fulfill the expectations from some persons. *sigh*
I think you are a wonderful person and I hope you do what you want to do and that will be good for you.

Thank you :). It's always been my belief that people need to know what's best for them, no matter what that is. Pity my mom won't agree. I'll just try to explain it again ^^.

*hugs*

God, do I ever know that problem. Try to concentrate on the fact that you don't have to live with them, and in the end, they really can't do anything about how you live your life. (How do they even know, by the way?)

Anyway, you're successfully going to med school (at least we haven't failed anything really tragic yet *g*), you have friends, and you have a job. What the hell more can parents really expect of us?

How do they even know, by the way?

My own damn fault, mostly. I just can't stand being secretive about something I don't see as something I should be ashamed of. I.e. preferring nighttime over daytime. Or actually taking the friends I have online seriously. Or just living my life the way I want to.

What the hell more can parents really expect of us?

I'm not sure what they want, either. I know that my sister complains about me a lot at home, but that's not because of what I do, but because she's just a person who takes everything in life very hard and hasn't quite managed to get over the shock of moving out of my parents' place yet. Which everybody agrees on, btw (that it's not my fault my sister isn't all peachy and happy). I just can't see what the huge fucking problem is. I tried to explain that to my mom, and she got all weepy on me and whined that I don't love her anymore (or something along those lines). Seriously... WTF??

In conclusion, we really need to learn to lie to our parents. I need to not tell my mom when there's a test until after I know I've passed, and you need to tell yours that you're going to bed every night at half past eleven like a good girl (and blackmail your sister into not telling on you). *g*

Lol maybe I should. It'd be so much easier if my parents were just a couple of idiotic assholes that I couldn't stand, but they're not. They're intelligent, smart and funny people. And I want to share with them what I love. I don't want to have to balk and stall when my mom asks me, and, what did you do on your week-end? I don't think I could. I'm just not that kind of person.

*sigh*

This is frustrating. I'll have to go rewatch some HoYay from last night's House or something ;).

**big hugs**

I'm so sorry to read this :( Particularly when you were on such a high after all the fun over the weekend, and this morning after House.

For what it's worth, I entirely agree with you. People are certainly entitled to make their own choices. If you'd made obviously bad choices then it would be easy to understand why your parents might encourage you to change. It's very frustrating, though, when you're doing just fine on your own terms.

chaoskir is right when she says that in your mum's eyes you'll always her little girl: I realise you know that already :) And I know it's no comfort -- in fact, quite possibly the opposite! -- but (in my experience, anyway) families don't ever stop behaving the way they do when we grow up. Remember I mentioned RL intruding at the weekend? That was family stuff too. Depressing. That's part of being a family though, I suppose.

If you can manage it, the best thing is probably to go over at the weekend, take a deep breath, remain polite, but firmly remind them that you're an adult now, and you're going to make your own lifestyle decisions. Perhaps you could point out that that doesn't mean you don't respect your family's POV: it simply means they've brought you up strong enough to be your own person, with the intelligence and strength of character to make your own way.

From where I'm sitting, you're an extremely cool person doing a lot of things extremely well. Don't let it get you down :)

**hugs again**

From where I'm sitting, you're an extremely cool person doing a lot of things extremely well.

*hugs back* Thank you :). That's a really nice thing to say.

I try not to let my family get to me. They usually don't. But sometimes, this frustration builds up in me, and I wanna yell at them and ask What the fuck is it that you want more?? I'm not taking drugs, I'm not mugging people, I'm not pregnant, I'm not sitting on my lazy butt all day doing nothing. The results of my finals at school were among the top fifteen, and I managed to get into a course of study many students don't even try to get in because it's so hard to get accepted. I've got a job, and I'm managing my health, I have friends I care about - RL friends as well, I'm not making a difference between Rl and online friends, but my parents obviously do - and I come home for Christmas and Easter and family birthdays. What else do they want?

Yeah, maybe I could do better at med school if I put more of an effort into it. But on the other hand, I'd be a lot less happy, because latin bone and muscle names just don't really satisfy my need for creativity. Excuse me for opting to enjoy life, rather than work myself to death only to be successful and make other people proud.

*takes deep breath*

Sorry. Didn't mean to rant yet again ;). It's probably just what you said - parents just can't leave well enough alone. I do admit, I have a mind of my own, sometimes too much so. But my parents are not making it easier on me. It's so hard to share what you love with them when you know that all they will think is, oh, so that's what she's doing when she's not studying for anatomy.

Okay, I'll stop now. This is getting way too ranty. I really don't hate my family. It's just... ack. Frustrating sometimes. ^^

Thanks for the hugs! :)

*g*

Rant all you like! I do it often enough myself :)

It's so hard to share what you love with them when you know that all they will think is, oh, so that's what she's doing when she's not studying for anatomy.

That's the real pity of it, I think, when families try to impose their own ideas on their children. The attempt is rarely/never successful, and all that happens is that people back off and feel they have to hide their true interests.

This probably isn't a good time to tell them about your plans for the squidge Archive, then... *vbg*

This probably isn't a good time to tell them about your plans for the squidge Archive, then... *vbg*

Lol, no, I probably should keep that to myself. I was thinking about telling my sister before, but she would just have gotten that pinched, disapproving look again (maybe this is a mean thing to say, but I can so see her being a teacher - she's studying to become one). Pity is, none of my family really gets the fandom thing. My sister writes fanfiction, but she's not active in fandom, only posts at archives. She's as far from a fangirl as House is from a caring, loving dog-owner ;). And trying to explain the squee and the HoYay to my mom? Would be like trying to explain quantum physics to a medieval farmer (not to say she's dumb, just that she simply wouldn't get it). I wouldn't mind, if they would just leave it to me to love and enjoy fandom. But they want to tell me it's a bad thing, and that's what getting me into this ranty mood ^^.

(maybe this is a mean thing to say, but I can so see her being a teacher - she's studying to become one)

lolol....

I think people outside fandom just have no hope at all of understanding. It's such a totally different mindset :) They're losing out, of course.

They're losing out, of course.

Sooo much. I just told

tli before: if people could be in RL like they are in fandom, the world might actually still stand a chance.

And didn't that sound cheesy and sappy. It's true, though. ^^

That sucks. Having never been in that situation myself (still living at home, sad face) I can't really help you that much, but I will say this - your parents may only want what they think is best for you, but this is just their opinion of what is best for you. Nobody really knows how to live your life except you. I'm sure you've already tried talking to your parents about stuff, but you could try yelling, screaming, or hitting or biting them.
Or not. Whatever you feel like. *hugs*

but you could try yelling, screaming, or hitting or biting them

Lol, that might actually work! At least they'll think twice next time before annoying me again ^^. Thanks for the hugs!

I guess I'll just have to get through the weekend, and maybe meet up with a friend afterwards to watch some House and get stone drunk *gg*.

Honestly: it gets better with time.

They just have a hard time accepting that you're grown up. But they will, one day.

There's one funny example I remember from when I was studying: I used to come home every weekend to wash my clothes and see friends (and *not* spend time with my parents). And my mother talked to me and said "I don't mind you just coming home to wash your stuff, but your father really misses you". And my father came to me the next day and said "We should really spend some time together on saturday. I know you're all grown up now, but your mother still misses you terribly."

It stopped after about two years. I was still coming home every month, and I still talk to my mom on the phone every sunday, even now. But at some point they just accepted that I can fend for myself.

I think you're doing the right thing to talk to them honestly. It will take some time of hurt feelings and adjustments and misunderstandings until they can wrap their heads around the fact that you're responsible for your life now.

It will probably also help if they don't support you with money anymore. Just be patient. :)

It will probably also help if they don't support you with money anymore.

That is the one thing I do feel a little bit guilty about. They're essentially financing my life. But I can't go to uni and earn enough money to be without their support at the same time. Sometimes, I'm tempted to try, anyways...

Well, I hope all goes well on Saturday, and I won't have to scream and shout and bite somebody ^^.

I can't go to uni and earn enough money to be without their support at the same time

I know how it is, yeah.

It depends a lot on how serious you are with your studies and how long you want to take for finishing them. Work takes a lot of strength you really would need to study successfully.

I personally wouldn't have wanted to study for a single semester longer than necessary, so I also never considered getting a well-paying job. I just got the studies over with on my parents' money and started earning money afterwards.

I know a lot of people who didn't finish their studies because they had to work. Most of them ended up taxi drivers for life. :( Not an appealing prospect.

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