teyla | Venting

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Current Location: parents' place

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Venting

Okay, internet. ENOUGH with the heterosexual privilege fail.

Ever since this post went up at

doctorwho, it reminded me to actually pay attention to how much heterosexuality is accepted as the only valid norm in all parts of western society, and good lord. It's making me tired.

Sure, you can be gay, as long as you act according to the norm. Nobody really cares about what you do in your bedroom, but don't you dare disrupt people's views of what men should be and how they should act, of what women should be and how they should present themselves. And this isn't even limited to people with a heterosexual orientation. Enough queer people are of the opinion that hey, as long as you don't get beat up on street corners for being with a same-sex partner, it's absolutely fair that you keep your head down and adapt to the heterosexual norm. Because anything else would create conflict, and gosh, we can't have conflict.

Yes, there are mistakes being made on both sides. That's because queer people as well as straight people are people, and people make mistakes. But to reach true equality, the queer community has to become a visible part of all aspects of society, and that won't happen if the they keep to themselves and adapt to the norm in order to avoid conflict.

And sexism isn't a thing of the past, either. Look at the representation of women in Hollywood movies; there's sexism for you, no matter if this is the 21st century or not. And no, don't shrug and say, well, they're Hollywood movies. They're the side of the media that's shaping the images that our society draws its norms and standards from, which means that if you want the images to change, the media needs to change first. And it won't do that unless the minorities keep pointing out that yes, they actually would like to be represented equally and fairly.

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But to reach true equality, the queer community has to become a visible part of all aspects of society, and that won't happen if they keep to themselves and adapt to the norm in order to avoid conflict YES YES YES THIS!

I don't understand "norms". I have this total lack of ability to understand what's deemed "acceptable" and what isn't. I just go with what I think is acceptable, and my own standards are pretty simple: do whatever you want as long as you respect other people, don't hurt other people, and can look at yourself in the mirror, and treat people the way you want them to treat you. Obviously, I'm too basic/simple for this world...

Did you know people have images in their head of how cripples should act as well? It's fascinating. It turns out, I do loads of stuff I shouldn't be doing as a cripple.

I'm not making a point at all. So sorry, T'eyla. It all comes down to me agreeing with your point of view, basically.

Did you know people have images in their head of how cripples should act as well? It's fascinating.
I am not surprised. Not that this compares at all to your situation, but whenever people find out that I'm diabetic, they pull out these decades-old ideas about what they think I should be able to do, and what I shouldn't. "Oh, so I shouldn't offer you any sweets, then, yes? Okay, I won't." GOOD LORD. Diabetics not being able to have sweets, that was ages ago. And they do this even after I've told them that I can eat anything. People just hate giving up on their preconceived ideas.

I don't even want to imagine how much one would come across this sort of behavior with a visible disability. I'm sure it must be so frustrating.

People need their ideas of how things should be like, it's safe.

I must confess though, I do tend to ask (not assume!) when someone visits me who has diabetes if he or she is allowed to eat/drink anything, so that if not, I can make sure to get something he or she is allowed to eat, because I'm not really sure about that. But I would never just assume stuff. I hate it when people assume things about me, so I try not to assume things about other people, if that makes sense.

The way people look at cripples, yes, it is frustrating at times.

Real conversation with a random stranger I once had: "Are you supposed to carry heavy bags?" "Yes. And you, are you supposed to meddle in other people's business? Great, then we're both doing what we're supposed to do. Now leave me the fuck alone."

It depends on my mood how frustrated I get. Sometimes I shrug, sometimes I reply in a less-than-polite way, sometimes I just leave to prevent myself from bashing someone's head in with my cane.

In all honesty, some people are nice about it and help or care in a non-meddling, friendly way like Wih and Bertie and Shipper did in London.

You know what else is really awful, that pain is invisible. I mean, if I said to my former department-head "I won't come to this-and-that excursion, pain's bad today", he would say "wow, ain't that convenient for you". I HATED HIM BEYOND WORDS and I still hope he will get an awful and VERY painful illness and that his dick will fall off. But it made me wary to even bring it up. I rather just plow on than admit I can't do stuff.

I'm off on a tangent! Sorry!

Edited because I actually do know how to spell "ideas".

Edited 2010-07-10 14:54 (UTC)

It's a really difficult situation to be in, for both people. Because as the healthy person, you don't want to ask about every little thing, but you don't want to be tactless and make the disabled person feel excluded either. I think, however, that if you trust people to have the mental maturity to know their own limitations, and especially if you trust them about the things they already told you about those limitations (as in, me telling someone I'm allowed to eat anything), you should be able to avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

I have never snapped at people about their questions, but then, this kind of thing happens to me a lot less rarely than it must happen to you. But I know I've made harsh mental judgments on people who only had the best intentions, which is not exactly fair. On the other hand, it's a question of, as you said, assumptions. I never judge someone harshly if all they're doing is asking reasonable questions. I judge if someone asks me stupid questions--like asking whether I can eat sweets when I already told them I can eat anything--or makes assumptions based on preconceived generalizations.

You're right about the safety thing, though. Once you realize that all preconceived ideas you rely on are faulty as soon as you're dealing with an individual, everybody and everything becomes completely unpredictable. A lot of people are scared to death by that idea.

if I said to my former department-head "I won't come to this-and-that excursion, pain's bad today", he would say "wow, ain't that convenient for you".
Oh god. What at ass. This is why some disabled people, or people of color, or queer people, decide to sue for harassment--simply because the fact that you're not part of some vague mainstream group apparently makes it okay for members of that mainstream group to make condescending and hurtful assumptions about your character and personality. But because neither the mainstream nor people from other minorities can relate, to the majority the person suing will always end up seeming to be overly dramatic. And there's the fact that the legal system was designed by and made to cater to the mainstream, so you're at an immediate disadvantage if you're not a part of that mainstream.

It's really frustrating. Mostly because all of this could be avoided if people stopped being so extremely terrified of "otherness". There would still be a long way to go, but as it is, all conversations are immediately dropped onto a completely emotional level, and it's almost impossible to get through to someone on that level of discussion.

all of this could be avoided if people stopped being so extremely terrified of "otherness" Yes. It also makes me wonder WHY people are so afraid of otherness. Because maybe if they think about it, it's possible they have to change their worldview (which leads us back to feeling safe withing preconceived ideas)?

Or maybe if they think about it, they discover things about themselves they don't like.

It is frustrating, though. But we have to keep figthing the stupidity!! We have to, because if we let it go unnoticed, people will think it's acceptable to be horrible about anything or anyone that's "different".

Don't even get me started on how people react to people with mental illnesses. I've seen some examples of that after my dad had his breakdown and sweet Jesus on a plane, it's not pretty. I joined the Anti Label Campaign of the Dutch Schizophrenic Association because of all that shit. Another example of people being so fucking scared of what they don't know, that they try to exorcize it by insulting it.

Yeah. Mankind...

I think it's because it makes everything your own choice, and, if it goes wrong, your own fault. If nothing is preconceived, there is no "natural order", which means the responsibility of knowing the "right" from the "wrong" thing is entirely on you. People like to imagine that there is some higher order that will punish people for harming others, but, you know, there isn't. Accepting that there is no natural order is a huge step towards accepting that the only person who can make sure that you won't come to any harm is you yourself. That is sort of scary. On the other hand, there's no point in denying it, because by denying it, it's you who's harming others.

This is also why people are so extremely susceptible to dogmatic religious brainwashing. Yeah, you might never have an independent thought of your own, but at least you'll have order! That's a different rant though.

I'm weird, of course, but I actually find it comforting that everything is my own choice and that I only have myself to blame if I screw up. I am suspicious of people telling me what to do, or what to think, or how to act, or how to dress, or how to behave.

It doesn't even go against my conception of religion, because I believe God gave me/us that free will just for the purpose of making our own choices, and making the right ones!

But, yeah, I do also recognize that lots of people don't even want to decide things for themselves. So much easier to look for guidance to others, because if you then screw up, it's not your fault and/or responsibility.

It's also (again!) safe to trust in others, because it's hard to figure out stuff for yourself sometimes.

I'm the same. I like having a better reason for what I'm doing than "because I'm supposed to". Drove my mom nuts when I was a kid. ;)

Religion is so difficult. The basic idea really isn't a bad one, but it gets abused so frequently. Either it gets abused to gain power, or it gets abused to have an excuse not to have to think for yourself. My mom is religious, but with her, I know she's not blindly following rules--she has thought about the underlying principles of her religion, found herself agreeing with them--or most of them--and chose to integrate this into her life. I can respect that. But so often religion is used as an excuse to turn off your brain and live without reflection or second thoughts, and it can get very frustrating.

Oh, I agree completely. So many people use religion to justify their own prejudices, as well (like with homosexuality). I think basically what the Bible comes down to is: treat other people the way you want them to treat you, i.e. with respect, and have respect for weaker beings than yourself like animals.

But again - I'm probably too basic/simple.

I always instantly rebel when people tell me I should do stuff "just because". It gives me a reason to NOT want to do that.

Yeah. Religion is very difficult to talk about, and it's difficult to realize what its purpose really is, because it's customary to train people in their childhood already to accept religious truths as dogmatic. Questioning childhood dogmas requires a level of independent thought that some people are never given the opportunity to reach.

It's a shame though that some of the most worthwhile topics are often so hard to discuss because people freak out when someone doesn't share theire views/beliefs.

I like how you word this: a level of independent thought that some people are never given the opportunity to reach, because that's a good reminder that some people indeed just never have the chance to develop their full potentials. It's even sadder when people do get that chance, but prefer to keep their heads in their asses so they don't have to think. Some of the people I met in Uni were so stupid they made my eyes bleed, and still they managed to get their degree, even without ever having had one original thought in their lives.

It's even sadder when people do get that chance, but prefer to keep their heads in their asses so they don't have to think.
God, yes. I don't like ignorance in people, but I hate chosen ignorance. I think it's one of the most despicable things a person can do--choosing to remain ignorant about something because knowing too much about it will make their life more difficult.

When I meet an ignorant person, I try my best to treat them fairly and, if a more difficult subject comes up, I'll try to calmly explain to them why I think they're wrong about what they're saying. If I meet a person who has chosen to be ignorant, well, I usually lose my patience immediately. There's no excuse for being deliberately ignorant.

There's no excuse for being deliberately ignorant OMG I couldn't agree more. I have no patience with people who indeed choose to be ignorant, either. I think it's morally wrong to chose to be ignorant about stuff.

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